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Well, friends and neighbors, I never thought I would say it. Here goes.. Let's come clean: Solavei raped me.

The entire company joined together in a unity unseen this side of a *** worker-ant colony and lined up to snatch my v-card..telephonically. Oh, I was a wee lad with dreams of being able to have some sort of phone with unlimited data and whatnot without the T-Mobile or AT&T crews lining up with their crooked grins and their "Squeal like a pig for meh, bwoy!"'s, but alas.. Solavei came to me in my most desperate hour, when I needed a place to shelter from the storm of *high-pitched-AT&T-store-whiny-***-voice* "you need to be grandfathered in"s and *toneless-Tmobile-middle-school-drop-out-ape-voice* "ten dollars a MB every MB after that"s and offered me a place to go with *sly-evil-rapelust-filled-satan-Solavei-voice* "4G service.. Just like AT&T". When I thought I could love, the entire company turned as one and savaged me up the anus as I walked out of the *** goy store. "NO!' I cried, "Solavei, what are you doing? Send the text, Solavei.. play the Youtube video..*** LOAD the Youtube video, for ***'s sake!" And Solavei was like, "Oh, I will give you a load, heh heh heh, you dirty girl; no facebook for you, ever, because the statuses will take 30 minutes to load!" *thrust* "No Youtube for you, because it takes fifteen minutes to load the cover image!" *intestinal pound* "No instagram for you, just endless refresh arrows!" *enemic hip movement* "No app downloads! Send a text? How about I pound this tight *** instead?! No phone calls and internet at the same time, aw, ***, yeah, I'm getting close, stop crying, you sweet little ***!" *xTHECOLONCLEANSERx*

No, but seriously: do not get service from these ***. You will sound like you are in a tunnel all the *** time. Need to check your emails? Coming right up!..in five minutes. And god help you if you are trying to watch ***. Have you ever tried to rip your own *** off because you are flustrated the *** video will NOT *** LOAD?! Yeah, I used to not know how that felt. Must be nice.

Do NOT be fooled by the lower price; you are paying a company to deflower you, telephonically. Do not be fooled by claims of 4G service; their 4G stands for "4GuysInYouAtOnce".

Monetary Loss: $500.

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